Red Flags

I realized a few days ago that I have been unfaithful in almost all my relationships.

Considering that I've thought of myself as the victim in my own love life, all my life, this was a tough one to swallow.

This led me to ask myself... AM I THE PROBLEM?!

I think I am.

I know we are all familiar with red flags in dating.

We look for them in our potential partners, judge them for them and often also ignore them when lust takes over all our thinking capacity.

But how often do we check for our own red flags? From personal experience I have to say not nearly often enough.

For me, it started in my childhood.

I didn't see love growing up.

Not the mom and dad duo that some lucky kids get. It was just me and my mom until I was about 17... from 17 on it was really just me.... So, what I learned was how to be independent and how to distrust people and boy does it show now.

And this brings me to Red flag #1, I don’t know how to trust people.

"You don't need a man. Don't count on a man. Don't depend financially or emotionally on a man. Don't believe, don't trust, don't give all of yourself. Always have a plan B"

That was my moms most commonly given advice growing up and there I was, 10 years old, soaking all this in like.... "Yeah, my future man isn't shit!"

She was trying to protect me from her experiences and didn't see that was a disaster in the making for me.

When you enter a relationship with trust issues from the start, trust issues that probably don’t even have anything to do with this new partner... you are already poisoning the foundations of something that hasn’t even taken off the ground yet. When you try to build with someone but your own foundations are shaky, you cant expect the structure to be very strong.

Growing up I went through every expected stage of the girl with daddy issues, I just never saw them this way until now because although my dad was not around, he was somewhere in the picture.

Let’s start with boyfriend #1. A typical high school love story- until one day I decided I wasn't in love anymore.

This was the most confusing feeling I've felt to date and one I recently went through again.

At the time I thought I had just outgrown them, but now I see it was really red flag #2 in myself.

Love was a fantasy in my head and the second it began to feel less like a movie and more like real life, I was ready to take off.

I was not equipped to deal with a relationship that didn't feel like butterflies in my stomach. I had heard so many times that if things aren't perfect, you have to take off out of self respect that I just didn't have the tools, and still probably don’t, to work through anything in a relationship.

Women are often guilty of this.

We want a fairytale. We hold our expectations so damn high, that in reality we probably don’t even measure up to our own standards ourselves.

Humans are flawed.

We are all messed up. Relationships are messy. If you cant accept this, you should not try to date.

Also, I cheated. And then I told on myself looking to be forgiven so I would have proof this was still worth it, I was loved. I could stay. How sick does that sound?

I was forgiven but I still left.

My second boyfriend lasted the blink of an eye and I have to say that was also all on me.

By now I was scared by my own past actions if you can wrap your head around that. It was a who gets who first competition. AND I WAS GONNA WIN. Red flag #3. I run.

The strangest part about this one is that I did have feelings for #2 and I was sad after I left, but I never went back. Also, I cheated.

Fear is toxic. To ourselves and to those we project it on.

Love is hard and it is scary but thats what makes it so special.

Finding someone that’s willing to face their fears for you. That’s willing to risk their heart for you. That’s where the magic is.

If you are a runner, you will never experience love at its best. If you don’t risk anything, you cant win.

Then boyfriend #3 came and I experienced infatuation for the first time. My god was I infatuated.

#3 made me pay for all the bad karma I had created up to that point and gave me relationship PTSD which I still carry around to this day, adding to the list of pre-existing issues already there.

I married him at 19.

I was blinded by his height and full body tattoos. How basic of me.

After leaving guys that were actually good to me for no real valid reason, I stuck to this man for 4 years through hell. Real ride or die. I mean, I was willing to eat shit for this man, and I did. Red flag #4. I am committed to people who cant commit to me.

Yes, we were married, but he was never committed to me. He was committed to himself. This shit really happens. You can be in a relationship with someone who never actually commits.

That marriage was just a piece of paper to him and the world to me.

No matter what happened, what he did, I never ran. I didn’t cheat. I didn’t want to leave.

This one right here is the most common red flag I know.

We love to love those who cant love us back.

And #3 also brings me to Red flag #5 I have major PTSD in relationships (This is real people) and this will affect every relationship you try to build. Forgiving or "getting over" someone does not mean you have healed and your wounds will always spill onto the next person.

By now I have an immense amount of trust issues. I am paranoid. And I’m pretty sure all man out there just want to use me.

After this relationship ended, I did nothing but wait and hope that this man would change and come back... and in the midst of this god sent me boyfriend #4... the best man I've ever met... caring, kind, responsible, vulnerable when needed, but sadly I wasn't the best girl he could have met.

This man often told me how I had zero tolerance for him.

All the lessons I had learned from my mom were now on overdrive after #3. I was broken when we met and I left it up to him to fix me. I mirrored all my traumas on him. Red Flag #6 I made my happiness my partners job.

In the midst of these relationships, I found myself often reconnecting with old lovers. Like recycling people out of heartbreak. When shit got tough, I looked for refuge. Red flag #I hadn't learned to heal myself.

So, here I am, at 3:30am doing a love life review on myself because lets be real, it cant always be the other 33 people you've dated. (Not that I've dated 33 people, I swear I don't have enough game for that)

Even proof-reading this is hard. I have so many red flags. Exept they aren't really red flags, they are just scars.

And to think that I've spent all my life pointing out these issues in my partners, never looking to see how I am feeding into their energy or ever wondering why this person acted how they did.

I only judged.

This asshole cant communicate (red flag) he plays games (red flag) he has a bad relationship with his family (red flag) he is impatient (red flag).... Everything was only a reason to run.

Imagine being a guy with your own issues. Maybe you didn't have a good relationship with your mom or first real love so now you have a lot of trust issues with women. Maybe your parents were never emotionally expressive so now you struggle a lot to communicate your real thoughts and feelings. Maybe you had a lonely childhood so now you have a hard time trying to build a life with other people.

Now imagine dealing with all this and meeting a girl like me.

BOOOOOM! Massive atomic bomb.

We will sit there and mirror each others bullshit all day long while blaming each other for all communication issues until one us applies Red flag #2 and takes off.

Dating now a days sucks even worse than before.

We are older and have seen too much.

We are extremally traumatized and don't even trust ourselves. Social media has made it possible to talk to about 100 people at the same time and I swear everyone has commitment phobia.

We don't know how to trust. We don't know how to love without holding back for safety. We either set super high expectations or none at all and boy, we are so bad at communicating.

And all this translates into a lot of people that cant express their feelings and fears. That don't know how to self reflect. That don't know how to stop and put themselves in the other persons shoes. I dare say most of us have a major case of dating anxiety and all these untreated emotions will appear to others as someone who is just not relationship material.

Plus now we are all sooo great, and interesting and sexy that NO ONE IS ENOUGH. Too short, not fit enough, shitty car, not enough IG followers, augh... its exhausting.

Its just one big hot mess of broken people and not enough self healing.

So how can we make this shit better? Look at yourself.

So far, I have learned I am not nearly as trust worthy as I thought I was and I have serious issues with normal emotional development in a relationship, among many other things I really need to talk to a therapist about.

I have a real strong flight or flight sense (Yes flight or flight cus if shits starts to look suspect I AM NOT FIGHTING, bitch I'm out!)

Is that good? Probably not.

Because we are older and we are all scarred. We are also all scared even though we wont say it aloud and we ALL secretly suck at handling feelings. It takes time, a lot of shadow work and maturity to heal all the things that you have now come to accept as just a part of you.

Staying single might seem like the safest and happiest possible outcome for most people these days, I think like that myself sometimes, too, but I don't truly believe it.

Being safe isn't being happy. That's being scared.

Instead, I want to heal myself so that I am safe for the next person that falls in love with me.

I want to recognize my own red flags and work through them so the next great guy I meet doesn't have to leave scarred by me.

I want to be someone I can trust more. Someone who isn't scared to say what they feel, how they feel it and when its being felt ( I am getting real good at this too, guys) I want to be someone that can communicate. That gives and takes in balance. Someone that sees love for what it is, not what I came to believe it should be. Someone that doesn't run when they are scared but is brave enough to speak their truth and deal with the aftermath. Someone that's not afraid of healing on their own. Someone that is already happy by the time love comes so I can share that peace and happiness with the next person.

After #3 (the totally disastrous ex) I decided that I would not deal with people that weren't 100% healed and perfect. I am talking career is set, emotionally stable... the whole 10 yards.

Now I realize that I can't love someone who appears to be perfect.

I love a person that has has been through shit because scars make you grow. Shitty life experiences is what teaches us to be stronger. They teach you to love others and love yourself with more honesty.

I have too many scars of my own to demand a clean slate from someone else.

Maybe if we all concentrate on our own patterns, love would be a lot easier. Not just romantic love but all your relationships.

Ignoring our traumas and fears in relationships will only leave open wounds to spill and make a mess in all areas of your life.

We have one job on this earth and that is to share our healing with others.

Accepting you are probably just as fucked up as that ex you stay dragging to everyone like they were the worst human shit on earth, is liberating.

I think what I am trying to say is that I am not shit and that's OK, because I will get better.